WAAAYTOOO Posted December 1, 2020 Author Report Share Posted December 1, 2020 Credit for this goes to graupa27 on Cruise Critic. I thought it was too funny not to steal. twangster, Big Tule, Ogilthorpe and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWaits Posted December 1, 2020 Report Share Posted December 1, 2020 Now that December has arrived: How is Christmas like a defective alphabet? No L RWDW1204, WAAAYTOOO and Ogilthorpe 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coneyraven Posted December 1, 2020 Report Share Posted December 1, 2020 RWDW1204, WAAAYTOOO, twangster and 2 others 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinSm89 Posted December 4, 2020 Report Share Posted December 4, 2020 A woman gets on the bus with her baby. The driver says, "Wow, this is the ugliest kid I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the back of the bus and sits down in a rage. She says to the man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: “Go there and scold him. Come on, I'll hold your monkey. " Ogilthorpe 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FManke Posted December 5, 2020 Report Share Posted December 5, 2020 On 12/1/2020 at 9:05 AM, WAAAYTOOO said: Credit for this goes to graupa27 on Cruise Critic. I thought it was too funny not to steal. I bet there are a lot of people out there that wished he wouldn't have yelled anything! Ogilthorpe and WAAAYTOOO 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JLMoran Posted December 5, 2020 Report Share Posted December 5, 2020 This is a long one, originally heard it from a coworker of mine about 20 years ago now. But it's still one of my favorites. A man has just moved into a new town, and he decides he's going to visit a nearby bar and start meeting some of the locals. While he's there, another guy walks in, sees the newcomer, and walks over to him. Shouting over the crowd, he says, "Hey, buddy! My name's Schroeder! I know everybody, and everybody knows me! I mean everybody!!" The newcomer figures he just means everybody in town, but they get to talking and he realizes that Schroeder is literally meaning everyone, everywhere. He decides he'd rather not hang out with a braggart, and calls it a night. Next weekend, he decides to try out a different bar and meet some more of the locals. Wouldn't you know it, but a couple hours later in walks Schroeder, calling out to the crowd, "Hey everybody! My name's Schroeder! I know everybody, and everybody knows me!" Annoyed, the newcomer calls Schroeder over and says, "Come on! You can't possibly know everybody!" "Not true! I know everybody, and everybody knows me!" "Fine, let's have a little wager then. I'll be you a hundred bucks that Bruce Springsteen doesn't know you from Adam." "Bruce?!? Him and me are like this!", he boasts, crossing his fingers. "C'mon, let's head over to New Jersey and I'll introduce you." So they get into Schroeder's car, take the drive over to New Jersey, and drive up to a big house in Alpine. Schroeder pushes the buzzer at the gate, and to the other man's surprise the guard who answered opened it up after Schroeder spoke with him. A few minutes later, they're at the front door and who's waiting for them but Bruce Springsteen himself! "Schroeder, you old son-of-a-gun! It's been ages, how ya been? Come on inside, let's catch up and you can introduce me to your friend here." A few hours later they drive back, and the man is really impressed. But Schroeder's looking smug, with a "told ya!" look on his face. So while they're still on the road, the man says to him, "OK, I suppose you could have met a celebrity or two in your life. But how about we go double or nothing and see if you know... Angela Merkel, the chancellor of Germany?" "Angie?!? C'mon, man, Angie and me go way back! We're like this! Let's hop a flight over to Berlin, I'll introduce ya!" Taken aback, the guy decides he's not going to back down. So the next day they get on a plane to Germany. They land, hop in a cab and drive over to the parliament building. Schroeder goes up to the reception desk, where the guy notices a look of recognition on the face of the woman seated there. After a few minutes, they're taken to a small meeting room; a short time later, in walks Angela Merkel! "Schroeder, mein freund!! It's wonderful to see you! How long has it been, a few years now? Who is this traveling with you?" They spend a half-hour before Angela excuses herself for another meeting. As they're walking out, the man is fighting off shock. He thinks to himself, "It's got to be because he's German, his name is Schroeder after all." "OK, Schroeder, one more round of double or nothing. We're already in Europe, why don't we pop down to Vatican City? You can introduce me to Pope Francis?" "You mean Jorge? Sure thing, him and me are like this, we go back years and years!" So down to Vatican City they travel. They make their way to the Basilica, but before they can go inside Schroeder stop and says, "Now, look. Normally I don't have a problem bringing folks along, but Jorge's... well, he is the Pope after all. So what I want you to do is just stay here, and keep an eye on that balcony up there. I'll walk out with Jorge so you can see I really know him, but I just can't impose on him and bring you inside. Too many people making pilgrimages who'd get jealous, y'know." The man nods, smiling to himself and thinking he's finally got the guy. "Sure thing, Schroeder. I'll wait right here." Schroeder walks off and enters the Basilica. Maybe 15 minutes later, he walks out onto the balcony he pointed to, and there with his arm around Schroeder's shoulders is Pope Francis himself. They're talking and not looking down, but after a minute Schroeder looks where his friend his waiting and see that he's collapsed to the ground, unconscious! Schroeder rushes back outside and runs over to the man, lightly slapping his face and saying, "Hey! Hey! You OK, buddy??" The man comes to, looks up at Schroeder, and says, "Right after you and the Pope walked out, this woman walked up and saw me staring. She looked up and said, 'Excuse me, but who is that guy in the pointy hat and white robe with his arm around Schroeder?'" PRebecca, WAAAYTOOO, Ogilthorpe and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cruisellama Posted December 6, 2020 Report Share Posted December 6, 2020 Trip to Norway I took a cruise to Norway and brought along my SUV to explore the country for a few weeks. While unloading my vehicle from the ship, the cable broke, dumping the car into the water. Now I have a Fjord Explorer. JLMoran, Ogilthorpe, acesandeights and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coneyraven Posted December 10, 2020 Report Share Posted December 10, 2020 RWDW1204, WAAAYTOOO, JLMoran and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjac Posted December 11, 2020 Report Share Posted December 11, 2020 A friend of mine became totally bald a few years ago, but he still carries his old comb around with him......he just couldn't part with it. Ogilthorpe, RWDW1204, WAAAYTOOO and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWaits Posted December 11, 2020 Report Share Posted December 11, 2020 What's the first thing Santa's helpers learn? The elf-abet cruisellama, JLMoran, RWDW1204 and 3 others 1 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWaits Posted December 14, 2020 Report Share Posted December 14, 2020 Which reindeer is the favorite partner at the Reindeer Ball? Dancer cruisellama, Ogilthorpe and WAAAYTOOO 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWaits Posted December 15, 2020 Report Share Posted December 15, 2020 What does a gingerbread man use for a bed cover? A baking sheet. RWDW1204, Ogilthorpe, cruisellama and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coneyraven Posted December 15, 2020 Report Share Posted December 15, 2020 What do you call Frosty the Snowman in May? Puddles WAAAYTOOO, JLMoran, cruisellama and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjac Posted December 15, 2020 Report Share Posted December 15, 2020 How do you tickle an octopus? You give him ten tickles. Of course e all know that an octopus has eight tentacles, so the first two tickles are test tickles. WAAAYTOOO, Ogilthorpe, JLMoran and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWaits Posted December 15, 2020 Report Share Posted December 15, 2020 What is Frosty's favorite type of hat? A snow-cap. RWDW1204, JLMoran, Ogilthorpe and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWaits Posted December 16, 2020 Report Share Posted December 16, 2020 What do you call reduced calorie S'mores? S'less. Ogilthorpe, RWDW1204 and WAAAYTOOO 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWaits Posted December 17, 2020 Report Share Posted December 17, 2020 What do you call a St. Bernard caught in a blizzard? A chilly dog. Ogilthorpe, JLMoran, RWDW1204 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjac Posted December 17, 2020 Report Share Posted December 17, 2020 What do you call a French guy being mauled by a lion? Claude. JLMoran, RWDW1204 and Ogilthorpe 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWaits Posted December 18, 2020 Report Share Posted December 18, 2020 What is the favorite dance at the North Pole? The Snow Ball RWDW1204, WAAAYTOOO and Ogilthorpe 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ogilthorpe Posted December 18, 2020 Report Share Posted December 18, 2020 Two antennas got married - the wedding was lousy but the reception was outstanding. RWDW1204, HeWhoWaits and WAAAYTOOO 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ogilthorpe Posted December 18, 2020 Report Share Posted December 18, 2020 What do you get when you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad? A Pineapple! JLMoran, WAAAYTOOO and RWDW1204 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWaits Posted December 19, 2020 Report Share Posted December 19, 2020 What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman? Frostbite Ogilthorpe, JLMoran and WAAAYTOOO 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWaits Posted December 20, 2020 Report Share Posted December 20, 2020 What is a sweet treat that's never on time? Choco-late WAAAYTOOO, JLMoran and Ogilthorpe 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twangster Posted December 21, 2020 Report Share Posted December 21, 2020 Isn't the Grand Canyon just Gorges? Ogilthorpe, WAAAYTOOO, RWDW1204 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twangster Posted December 21, 2020 Report Share Posted December 21, 2020 Not all math puns are bad. Just sum. WAAAYTOOO, rjac, RWDW1204 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWaits Posted December 22, 2020 Report Share Posted December 22, 2020 What did Mrs. Claus say about the weather to Santa? Looks like rain, dear. RWDW1204, JLMoran, WAAAYTOOO and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coneyraven Posted December 23, 2020 Report Share Posted December 23, 2020 "Green Is My Favorite," said the Irishman. "I Like It Better Than Blue and Yellow Combined" JLMoran, twangster, RWDW1204 and 3 others 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWaits Posted January 6, 2021 Report Share Posted January 6, 2021 A perfectionist walked into a bar. It must have been set too low. WAAAYTOOO, JLMoran, RWDW1204 and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coneyraven Posted January 6, 2021 Report Share Posted January 6, 2021 Coming to a cabin near you. cruisellama, Ogilthorpe, RWDW1204 and 1 other 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWaits Posted January 7, 2021 Report Share Posted January 7, 2021 That SSS3000 is just like the head on a typical sailboat in the 30-40 foot range. Ogilthorpe 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coneyraven Posted January 11, 2021 Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 cruisellama, rjac, HeWhoWaits and 2 others 3 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cruisellama Posted January 11, 2021 Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 What keeps a dock floating above water? Pier pressure RWDW1204, Ogilthorpe, WAAAYTOOO and 1 other 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cruisellama Posted January 11, 2021 Report Share Posted January 11, 2021 I can’t think of any more boat puns. Canoe? WAAAYTOOO and Ogilthorpe 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWaits Posted January 12, 2021 Report Share Posted January 12, 2021 What do you get when you cross a bear and a mountain lion? Killed. JLMoran, WAAAYTOOO, RWDW1204 and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coneyraven Posted January 13, 2021 Report Share Posted January 13, 2021 JLMoran, WAAAYTOOO and Ogilthorpe 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Big Tule Posted January 15, 2021 Report Share Posted January 15, 2021 JLMoran, Ogilthorpe, WAAAYTOOO and 1 other 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeWhoWaits Posted January 15, 2021 Report Share Posted January 15, 2021 What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta. Big Tule, WAAAYTOOO, JLMoran and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rjac Posted January 22, 2021 Report Share Posted January 22, 2021 JLMoran, Ogilthorpe and RWDW1204 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coneyraven Posted January 22, 2021 Report Share Posted January 22, 2021 2 hours ago, rjac said: The really creepy thing is that the winning Powerball ticket yesterday was at the store where I get mine from....BUT I WASN'T THE WINNER. That's where the "coney" in coneyraven comes from. The store was Coney Market in Lonaconing, MD WAAAYTOOO 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coneyraven Posted January 22, 2021 Report Share Posted January 22, 2021 JLMoran, HeWhoWaits and Ogilthorpe 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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