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Corny Jokes


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A woman gets on the bus with her baby. The driver says, "Wow, this is the ugliest kid I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the back of the bus and sits down in a rage. She says to the man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: “Go there and scold him. Come on, I'll hold your monkey. "

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This is a long one, originally heard it from a coworker of mine about 20 years ago now. But it's still one of my favorites.



A man has just moved into a new town, and he decides he's going to visit a nearby bar and start meeting some of the locals. While he's there, another guy walks in, sees the newcomer, and walks over to him. Shouting over the crowd, he says, "Hey, buddy! My name's Schroeder! I know everybodyand everybody knows me! I mean everybody!!"

The newcomer figures he just means everybody in town, but they get to talking and he realizes that Schroeder is literally meaning everyone, everywhere. He decides he'd rather not hang out with a braggart, and calls it a night.

Next weekend, he decides to try out a different bar and meet some more of the locals. Wouldn't you know it, but a couple hours later in walks Schroeder, calling out to the crowd, "Hey everybody! My name's Schroeder! I know everybody, and everybody knows me!"

Annoyed, the newcomer calls Schroeder over and says, "Come on! You can't possibly know everybody!"

"Not true! I know everybody, and everybody knows me!"

"Fine, let's have a little wager then. I'll be you a hundred bucks that Bruce Springsteen doesn't know you from Adam."

"Bruce?!? Him and me are like this!", he boasts, crossing his fingers. "C'mon, let's head over to New Jersey and I'll introduce you."

So they get into Schroeder's car, take the drive over to New Jersey, and drive up to a big house in Alpine. Schroeder pushes the buzzer at the gate, and to the other man's surprise the guard who answered opened it up after Schroeder spoke with him. A few minutes later, they're at the front door and who's waiting for them but Bruce Springsteen himself! "Schroeder, you old son-of-a-gun! It's been ages, how ya been? Come on inside, let's catch up and you can introduce me to your friend here." 

A few hours later they drive back, and the man is really impressed. But Schroeder's looking smug, with a "told ya!" look on his face. So while they're still on the road, the man says to him, "OK, I suppose you could have met a celebrity or two in your life. But how about we go double or nothing and see if you know... Angela Merkel, the chancellor of Germany?"

"Angie?!? C'mon, man, Angie and me go way back! We're like this! Let's hop a flight over to Berlin, I'll introduce ya!"

Taken aback, the guy decides he's not going to back down. So the next day they get on a plane to Germany. They land, hop in a cab and drive over to the parliament building. Schroeder goes up to the reception desk, where the guy notices a look of recognition on the face of the woman seated there. After a few minutes, they're taken to a small meeting room; a short time later, in walks Angela Merkel! "Schroeder, mein freund!! It's wonderful to see you! How long has it been, a few years now? Who is this traveling with you?"

They spend a half-hour before Angela excuses herself for another meeting. As they're walking out, the man is fighting off shock. He thinks to himself, "It's got to be because he's German, his name is Schroeder after all."

"OK, Schroeder, one more round of double or nothing. We're already in Europe, why don't we pop down to Vatican City? You can introduce me to Pope Francis?"

"You mean Jorge? Sure thing, him and me are like this, we go back years and years!"

So down to Vatican City they travel. They make their way to the Basilica, but before they can go inside Schroeder stop and says, "Now, look. Normally I don't have a problem bringing folks along, but Jorge's... well, he is the Pope after all. So what I want you to do is just stay here, and keep an eye on that balcony up there. I'll walk out with Jorge so you can see I really know him, but I just can't impose on him and bring you inside. Too many people making pilgrimages who'd get jealous, y'know."

The man nods, smiling to himself and thinking he's finally got the guy. "Sure thing, Schroeder. I'll wait right here."

Schroeder walks off and enters the Basilica. Maybe 15 minutes later, he walks out onto the balcony he pointed to, and there with his arm around Schroeder's shoulders is Pope Francis himself. They're talking and not looking down, but after a minute Schroeder looks where his friend his waiting and see that he's collapsed to the ground, unconscious!

Schroeder rushes back outside and runs over to the man, lightly slapping his face and saying, "Hey! Hey! You OK, buddy??"

The man comes to, looks up at Schroeder, and says, "Right after you and the Pope walked out, this woman walked up and saw me staring. She looked up and said, 'Excuse me, but who is that guy in the pointy hat and white robe with his arm around Schroeder?'"

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