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Corny Jokes


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APPETIZING: Anything advertised on TV.

BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.

CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.

CHAIR: Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.

COOKIE (LAST ONE): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.

CRUST: Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of China, India, Africa, or Europe (check one).

DESSERTS: The reason for eating a meal.

EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.

FAT: Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.

FLOOR: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.

FORK: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.

FRIED FOODS: Gourmet cooking

FROZEN: Condition of children's jaws when Spinach is served.

FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.

GERMS: The only thing kids will share freely.

KITCHEN: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.

LEFTOVERS: Commonly described as 'gross'.

LIVER: A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.

LOLLIPOP: A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.

MACARONI: Material for a collage.

MEASURING CUP: A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.

METRIC: A system of measurement that will be accepted only after forty years wandering in the desert.

NAPKIN: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.

NATURAL FOOD: Food eaten with unwashed hands.

NUTRITION: Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant guard duty.

PLATE: A breakable Frisbee.

REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.

SALIVA: A medium for blowing bubbles.

SODA POP: Shake 'N Spray.

TABLE: A place for storing gum.

TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument

THIRSTY: How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."

VEGETABLE: A basic food known to satisfy kid's hunger -- but only by sight.

WATER: The cola of underdeveloped countries.

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  • 2 weeks later...

This drunk fellow staggers into a bar and tells the bartender "Bartender, I'm buying a drink for everyone in this establishment, I'll have a beer, pour yourself a drink and put it on my tab!" Everyone gives him a round of applause. After a while, the drunk fellow finishes his beer and starts heading for the door. The bartender yells at him "Hey buddy, where the hell do you think you're going, you have a pretty hefty tab to pay" and the drunk replies," I'm very sorry but I can't pay you, I don't have any money" and heads out the door. A few nights later the same drunk staggers into the same bar and tells the bartender, "I'm buying a drink for everyone here tonight, a beer for myself, our yourself one and put it on my tab". The bartender remembers this drunk and thinks, "hmm, maybe he got paid today and he has money". So, he complies with the drunk's request, everyone applauds the fellow he downs his beer and heads for the door. The bartender, again, yells at him "and where do you think you're going? You have a large tab from tonight as well as the other night to pay". The drunk tells him, again, "I am very sorry, but I have no money, I can't pay you".  With that the bartender grabs him by the shoulder, beats the hell out of him and throws him out. Another couple of days go by and the same drunk staggers into the same bar and tells the same bartender "I'm buying a round for the house, I'll have a beer and put it on my tab". The bartender asks him "What, you're not buying me a drink tonight"? And the drunk replies "Hell no! You get violent when you drink". 

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A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea and the cruise passengers manage to escape on life boats. A woman asks the Captain “How far is the closest land?”

“3 miles”, he answers.

“That’s not too bad, in which direction?, she asks.

The Captain replied “Down”

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