Corny Jokes

[FireFishII]

[rjac]

[FManke]

A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender tells him, "I'm going to make you a drink named after you," to which the grasshopper replies. "You have a drink named Steve?"

[HeWhoWaits]

PARENT'S GLOSSARY OF KID'S KITCHEN TERMS

APPETIZING: Anything advertised on TV.

BOIL: The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.

CASSEROLE: Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.

CHAIR: Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.

COOKIE (LAST ONE): Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.

CRUST: Part of a sandwich saved for the starving children of China, India, Africa, or Europe (check one).

DESSERTS: The reason for eating a meal.

EVAPORATE: Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.

FAT: Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.

FLOOR: Place for all food not found on lap or chair.

FORK: Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.

FRIED FOODS: Gourmet cooking

FROZEN: Condition of children's jaws when Spinach is served.

FRUIT: A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.

GERMS: The only thing kids will share freely.

KITCHEN: The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.

LEFTOVERS: Commonly described as 'gross'.

LIVER: A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.

LOLLIPOP: A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.

MACARONI: Material for a collage.

MEASURING CUP: A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.

METRIC: A system of measurement that will be accepted only after forty years wandering in the desert.

NAPKIN: Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.

NATURAL FOOD: Food eaten with unwashed hands.

NUTRITION: Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant guard duty.

PLATE: A breakable Frisbee.

REFRIGERATOR: A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.

SALIVA: A medium for blowing bubbles.

SODA POP: Shake 'N Spray.

TABLE: A place for storing gum.

TABLE LEG: Percussion instrument

THIRSTY: How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."

VEGETABLE: A basic food known to satisfy kid's hunger -- but only by sight.

WATER: The cola of underdeveloped countries.

[rjac]

Here's one for today. Why did the turkey cross the road? It was the chickens day off!

[Big Tule]

[HeWhoWaits]

By replacing your morning coffee with green tea, you can lose up to 87% of what little joy you still have left in your life.

[HeWhoWaits]

Walmart had to remove 50,000 milk cartons from their stores.

The labels had to be changed from "open here" to "open at home."

[HeWhoWaits]

[HeWhoWaits]

I once dated a girl who had a twin. Friends asked me how I could tell them apart.

Easy - Alison painted her nails red. Bob had a beard.

[rjac]

[rjac]

[WAAAYTOOO]

[FireFishII]

Since NH is getting our first measurable snow fall (more like slush fall), here is a cartoon for your enjoyment. 

 

[HeWhoWaits]

[rjac]

[rjac]

I just found out there was a fourth Wiseman, but he was turned away because he brought fruit cake.

[rjac]

[rjac]

This drunk fellow staggers into a bar and tells the bartender "Bartender, I'm buying a drink for everyone in this establishment, I'll have a beer, pour yourself a drink and put it on my tab!" Everyone gives him a round of applause. After a while, the drunk fellow finishes his beer and starts heading for the door. The bartender yells at him "Hey buddy, where the hell do you think you're going, you have a pretty hefty tab to pay" and the drunk replies," I'm very sorry but I can't pay you, I don't have any money" and heads out the door. A few nights later the same drunk staggers into the same bar and tells the bartender, "I'm buying a drink for everyone here tonight, a beer for myself, our yourself one and put it on my tab". The bartender remembers this drunk and thinks, "hmm, maybe he got paid today and he has money". So, he complies with the drunk's request, everyone applauds the fellow he downs his beer and heads for the door. The bartender, again, yells at him "and where do you think you're going? You have a large tab from tonight as well as the other night to pay". The drunk tells him, again, "I am very sorry, but I have no money, I can't pay you".  With that the bartender grabs him by the shoulder, beats the hell out of him and throws him out. Another couple of days go by and the same drunk staggers into the same bar and tells the same bartender "I'm buying a round for the house, I'll have a beer and put it on my tab". The bartender asks him "What, you're not buying me a drink tonight"? And the drunk replies "Hell no! You get violent when you drink". 

[rjac]

[rjac]

[DoomSlayer]

So, a nervous passenger just asked the Captain "Do cruise ships like this sink often?"

The Captain got a smirk on his face and simply replied "No, just once."

[FireFishII]

A cruise ship sinks in the middle of the sea and the cruise passengers manage to escape on life boats. A woman asks the Captain “How far is the closest land?”

“3 miles”, he answers.

“That’s not too bad, in which direction?, she asks.

The Captain replied “Down”

[DoomSlayer]

Best Joke of the Day -- Tom Brady Lost to my Cowboys!

[Censored]

What vegetable isn't allowed on cruise ships? 

Leeks!

[rjac]

[Censored]

The showers in the cruise cabins are so small,I bring a lazy susan and just soap the walls and spin around a few times!

 

[rjac]

Ohhh My! 

[rjac]

[rjac]

That' a lot of people doing yoga! 

[FireFishII]

In honor of being -11 degrees and Mt Washington breaking the record for the coolest wind chill (-106 degrees). . . . 

[rjac]

[rjac]

[rjac]

[FireFishII]

[rjac]

My next door neighbor is an electrical engineer, and he has a new project he is working on. He is coming up with a thought controlled air freshener. It makes scents when you think about it. 

 

[rjac]

[HeWhoWaits]

[WAAAYTOOO]

32 minutes ago, HeWhoWaits said:

Ordinal numerals, anyone ?

[rjac]