Fireman973

A dog walks into a restaurant and sits at one of the tables. The waiter immediately shows up and promptly points to a sign on the wall that says " No dogs allowed !!"
The dog looks at the waiter and says " So who's smoking ? "
This was my late dad's favorite joke I still laugh more at his telling it than the actual joke  

Why are skeletons afraid of dogs? Because they eat bones!

Q: every fall (for those of us in the north) the geese fly south for the winter. For a few weeks, you can look to the sky and see large formations of geese flying in a giant "V". One curious aspect of the formation is that it is not balanced, one leg of the "V" is always longer. After years of research, they now know why. What do you think causes the phenomenon?
 
A: More geese on that side! ??

After all these years, my wife still thinks I'm sexy. Every time I walk by her she says, "What an ass!"
My wife tells me I have two major faults. I don't listen.......and something else.

Why did the baker get a second job?
She needed to raise more dough.
 
What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
It let out a little wine
 
Why did the pony go to the doctor?
He was a little horse.
 
Also my favorite of all time
Why do white girls travel in odd numbers?
Because they CAN"T even....

A grasshopper hops into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender's a bit taken aback. "A beer? Ya sure, pal? Y'know...we've got a drink named after you!"
"Oh, yeah?" the insect asks. "You've got a drink called 'Irving'?"

What do you call two guys hanging over a window.
Curt n Rod.

How much does a pirate pay for corn?
 
A Buccaneer.

Now that’s funny.

A pirate walked into a seaside tavern and asked for a drink. The bartender, turned away from the bar when the buccaneer walked in, pours the drink, but nearly drops it when he notices the sailor has a giant ship's wheel stuck to the front of his pants.
"Uh, capn'," the bartender says, "I hope you don't mind me askin', but what's with that-thar wheel?"
"Arrr...this thing?" The pirate asks. "|t drives me nuts."

What’s the best way to get in touch with a fish?
drop it a line! 

this is my favorite joke of all time

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
 
FSSSHHHH. 

Did you hear about the diminutive psychic who broke out of jail?
She's a short medium at large.

Why did the girl bring toilet paper to the party?
 
 
Because she is a party pooper! ?

What do you call an arrogant criminal walking down stairs? 
A condescending con descending! 

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear

Knock, Knock
Who's there?
On a street of 25 houses, you're the only one without a doorbell!

What did the Fisherman say to the Magician?
Pick a cod, any cod.
 
Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the casino?
He was on a roll.
 

Why couldn’t the fish sign onto the Internet ?
 
Because he forgot his BASSword

You have NO idea how much I need this thread today. 

I know 25 letters of the alphabet and I don't know Why.. 

I don't have any jokes but we need a thread like this. ?

Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs through your genes lol 
 

Why must you knock before opening the refrigerator door ?
 
Because you wouldn’t want to catch the salad, dressing.
 
ba-dump-bump