Please Help! Or it's a NO GO! LoL

[Donnax4]

Hello Everyone! I am in need of some opinions on this topic. Am I right or am I wrong? I got married four months ago and before I married I had paid for a solo cruise a few years before I met my now husband. I went through a painful divorce and needed some time away, after it was over. Before we married, he knew I was going on the cruise and I wanted him to go with me. He and I would make jokes about us going togther, so I assumed he would. We finally got married and he is adament about not going. I know he is scared to death of the water and being out in the middle of the ocean frightens him more then I could explain. He has said he could have a heart attack or stroke. I'm having a hard time understanding how scared he is, that he won't go on the week long cruise. He rather me go all alone. I've told him we just got married and I want him to be with me, but he doesnt want to go, so I am forced to go for a whole week alone. I have no one else, that can go with me.

Is it wrong for me to be upset with him? Please help with advice. I don't want to force him by making him feel bad because I'm that upset. I just want my husband to be with me, like other wives would. It's not like a few hours away. Thanks everyone!

[Matt]

As someone with an irrational fear (fear of flying), I know how frustrating it can be when your brain tells you one thing but your gut tells you something else. 

It's irrational, it doesn't make any logical sense, hence the name.

Not sure when your cruise is, but has your husband considered talking to a professional about his fears? 

In short, I think it's normal to be frustrated by it. But we all have our hang ups. Hopefully he can eventually come around to enjoying cruises too.

[teddy]

Since you asked, here’s my two cents:

Is your marriage worth a cruise?  Only you can answer the question. 
 

My answer would be no, it’s not worth a cruise.  While I don’t speak for my wife, I’d bet farm that she’d answer the same. 

[ellcee]

I get being frustrated but you can't blame someone for their fears, irrational or not. If it's not his thing no amount of guilt will work in this situation. If you can, make the best of the situation and maybe in the future he will come around or you'll find a pal to sail with. 

[AlohaLivin]

Anxiety is more common than depression, luckily somewhat easier to treat. But he needs to want to do it. The gold standard treatment for anxiety is cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical behavioral therapy (many licensed Psychologists can handle both of these). For more severe anxiety, the psychologist may recommend an adjunctive treatment with a psychiatrist (equal in education, this professional handles the medication part while the psychologist is trained to handle the psychotherapy part). But there is little more immovable than a person with significant anxiety - being angry with them or begging won’t change it. The rest of us may understand their fears are irrational, but the person experiencing it does not recognize that he/she is being irrational. 

[Xaa]

Hey Donna,

Sorry to hear about your dilemma.  Your question was this "Is it wrong for me to be upset with him?" and I would have to answer yes to that, but had you cut your question off 2 words sooner, I would say absolutely no to this "Is it wrong for me to be upset?"

You are right to be upset, but it is just a situation of timing.  You wouldn't have bought the cruise if your life then were in the place it is today.  He isn't asking you not to go as was your plan when booking.  I also wish he would have come around and of course believe that he can find a way over his fear, but sadly when someone is afraid of something, us telling them to not be afraid has no impact.

Take your cruise and enjoy it.  Miss him, but don't be angry with him.  He will also be without his wife for the week, but you both have so much more time.

Good luck!

Bill

[tjcruisers]

I wouldn't be mad or offended. He has a fear and doesn't have a issue with you going. 

[HeWhoWaits]

I don't recommend being mad or offended that he WANTS you to take the trip you planned. A few days apart isn't the end of the world and he SUPPORTS you.

Go on the cruise and enjoy it. Bring home lots of photos and memories to share with him and let him enjoy your trip too, without the anxiety of doing something that frightens him.

[CrimsonCruiser]

I think...you shouldn't be upset with him. Frustrated, sad, upset at the situation - all fair. But WITH HIM? I don't think that' fair to him. It's not like he's changing his mind for some reason like not wanting to miss a game on TV or bashing you for liking cruising. He's TERRIFIED and legitimately concerned for himself. YOU might have a blast but every time he sees the water, feels the ship rock, hears the engines or any other thing I can't think of he will probably be having the worst days of his life.

Try to put yourself in his shoes - what is something you absolutely HATE to do and then imagine him pushing you into doing it. It's not good.

If you REALLY want to do the cruise, go alone or take a friend and make it a "no spouse" trip.

Otherwise, if it's more important to you that you two be together, cancel or rebook the cruise and do something else.

 

The main point here is that you RESPECT where he's coming from. And maybe...maybe, if/when he shows interest in addressing it professionally, you support him then.

[letscruise]

27 minutes ago, HeWhoWaits said:

I don't recommend being mad or offended that he WANTS you to take the trip you planned. A few days apart isn't the end of the world and he SUPPORTS you.

Go on the cruise and enjoy it. Bring home lots of photos and memories to share with him and let him enjoy your trip too, without the anxiety of doing something that frightens him.

I like this response.  In addition, I think you should begin planning now the next vacation the two of you will go on together!  That way, you both have something good to look forward to that you each will enjoy, yet you also get to take this cruise and enjoy it in the moment and as a reflection point of how far you've come and how different your life is since you first booked it.  Congratulations on your marriage!  I think you have a solid partner that is encouraging you to stick with the plan; you'll both be so happy to see each other once you return home.  

[PPPJJ-GCVAB]

Fear is not something to take lightly.  Yes, you can be upset about the situation however, no you cannot be upset with him.  I have never been able to watch a horror movie…and never will.  My kids love them as does my husband.  Have they ever made me sit and watch one?  No…thankfully.  If you were able to change his mind and God forbid end up in a high seas situation or worse how would you feel?  Take the cruise alone and enjoy the solitude that you won’t find too much of now that you are married to the perfect partner!  

[Donnax4]

2 hours ago, Matt said:

As someone with an irrational fear (fear of flying), I know how frustrating it can be when your brain tells you one thing but your gut tells you something else. 

It's irrational, it doesn't make any logical sense, hence the name.

Not sure when your cruise is, but has your husband considered talking to a professional about his fears? 

In short, I think it's normal to be frustrated by it. But we all have our hang ups. Hopefully he can eventually come around to enjoying cruises too.

Thank you! We talked yesterday and he made it clear in a nice way, that he can do anything for me, but handle a cruise out in the middle of the ocean. I didn’t realize how bad his fear was, until we talked more last night. He flew for the very first time 6 months ago to come to another state where I lived at the time (before marriage). He is 60. He was scared out of his mind, but did it for me. Took everything out of him to get on that plane. Sadly the cruise, he just can’t do. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!

[Donnax4]

2 hours ago, teddy said:

Since you asked, here’s my two cents:

Is your marriage worth a cruise?  Only you can answer the question. 
 

My answer would be no, it’s not worth a cruise.  While I don’t speak for my wife, I’d bet farm that she’d answer the same. 

I agree! We talked last night and I am at peace going alone. See my response to Matt above. Thanks for sharing your opinion! Much appreciated.

[Donnax4]

2 hours ago, ellcee said:

I get being frustrated but you can't blame someone for their fears, irrational or not. If it's not his thing no amount of guilt will work in this situation. If you can, make the best of the situation and maybe in the future he will come around or you'll find a pal to sail with. 

Thank you! I agree 100%. See my post above to Matt. It pretty much explains the conclusion to my dilemma. 

[Donnax4]

2 hours ago, AlohaLivin said:

Anxiety is more common than depression, luckily somewhat easier to treat. But he needs to want to do it. The gold standard treatment for anxiety is cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical behavioral therapy (many licensed Psychologists can handle both of these). For more severe anxiety, the psychologist may recommend an adjunctive treatment with a psychiatrist (equal in education, this professional handles the medication part while the psychologist is trained to handle the psychotherapy part). But there is little more immovable than a person with significant anxiety - being angry with them or begging won’t change it. The rest of us may understand their fears are irrational, but the person experiencing it does not recognize that he/she is being irrational. 

Completely agree with you. We worked it out and I am at peace going alone. I realize how he feels and I respect him for his choice. Thanks again!

[Donnax4]

2 hours ago, Xaa said:

Hey Donna,

Sorry to hear about your dilemma.  Your question was this "Is it wrong for me to be upset with him?" and I would have to answer yes to that, but had you cut your question off 2 words sooner, I would say absolutely no to this "Is it wrong for me to be upset?"

You are right to be upset, but it is just a situation of timing.  You wouldn't have bought the cruise if your life then were in the place it is today.  He isn't asking you not to go as was your plan when booking.  I also wish he would have come around and of course believe that he can find a way over his fear, but sadly when someone is afraid of something, us telling them to not be afraid has no impact.

Take your cruise and enjoy it.  Miss him, but don't be angry with him.  He will also be without his wife for the week, but you both have so much more time.

Good luck!

Bill

Thank you so much. Your reply had an impact on me. I appreciate it!

[Donnax4]

2 hours ago, tjcruisers said:

I wouldn't be mad or offended. He has a fear and doesn't have a issue with you going. 

You are absolutely right! He is happy for me to go and I do appreciate that. Thank you!

[Donnax4]

1 hour ago, HeWhoWaits said:

I don't recommend being mad or offended that he WANTS you to take the trip you planned. A few days apart isn't the end of the world and he SUPPORTS you.

Go on the cruise and enjoy it. Bring home lots of photos and memories to share with him and let him enjoy your trip too, without the anxiety of doing something that frightens him.

Thank you! All is well. I am going and I respect his choice to not go. We talked it out last night. I am thankful he is happy for me to go. Thanks so much! We are just married and I just got overly excited for him to go, but I am fine now. Talking it out more helped greatly.

[Donnax4]

1 hour ago, CrimsonCruiser said:

I think...you shouldn't be upset with him. Frustrated, sad, upset at the situation - all fair. But WITH HIM? I don't think that' fair to him. It's not like he's changing his mind for some reason like not wanting to miss a game on TV or bashing you for liking cruising. He's TERRIFIED and legitimately concerned for himself. YOU might have a blast but every time he sees the water, feels the ship rock, hears the engines or any other thing I can't think of he will probably be having the worst days of his life.

Try to put yourself in his shoes - what is something you absolutely HATE to do and then imagine him pushing you into doing it. It's not good.

If you REALLY want to do the cruise, go alone or take a friend and make it a "no spouse" trip.

Otherwise, if it's more important to you that you two be together, cancel or rebook the cruise and do something else.

 

The main point here is that you RESPECT where he's coming from. And maybe...maybe, if/when he shows interest in addressing it professionally, you support him then.

Totally agree. We talked it out and everything is good. I realized more after our chat how scared he really is and I don’t want him to be in that much fear. I am grateful and thankful he is good with me even going alone. 

[Donnax4]

1 hour ago, letscruise said:

I like this response.  In addition, I think you should begin planning now the next vacation the two of you will go on together!  That way, you both have something good to look forward to that you each will enjoy, yet you also get to take this cruise and enjoy it in the moment and as a reflection point of how far you've come and how different your life is since you first booked it.  Congratulations on your marriage!  I think you have a solid partner that is encouraging you to stick with the plan; you'll both be so happy to see each other once you return home.  

Yes, Agree! We talked more about and he will stay home. I could never be happy on this cruise, if I upset him so much. I didn’t realize until last night how much fear he has. I can’t blame or fault him. 

[Donnax4]

1 hour ago, PPPJJ-GCVAB said:

Fear is not something to take lightly.  Yes, you can be upset about the situation however, no you cannot be upset with him.  I have never been able to watch a horror movie…and never will.  My kids love them as does my husband.  Have they ever made me sit and watch one?  No…thankfully.  If you were able to change his mind and God forbid end up in a high seas situation or worse how would you feel?  Take the cruise alone and enjoy the solitude that you won’t find too much of now that you are married to the perfect partner!  

Thank you! He is a perfect partner for sure! I am so grateful he is happy for me to go on this week long trip alone. He supports me, so I need to support him. Thanks again!

[Jerseygirl98]

If you want to be together on a vacation why not cancel the cruise and do something you both want to do. A happy marriage is filled with compromises. You absolutely have no justification in being upset with him.

[Retired Guy]

I have a similar situation. We have been married 2 years and this is supposed to be our honeymoon cruise. Now she doesn't want to go for various reasons, which I kind of understand. I told her it's ok, I am not upset, but I would like to go. She wants me to cancel, but is ok with me going. She knows I need a vacation. Hopefully, she decides to go but, if not, I am on my own. I bought the internet package so we could talk every day. Go and enjoy yourself and call him daily.