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Corny Jokes


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The booze cruise

On the last night of the cruise, it’s discovered that there’s been a miscalculation with the food. Just before dinner, the captain announces over the loudspeaker…

“Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I’m sorry to inform you that there are 2,000 passengers on board, but only enough food for 1,000 people. However, we do have plenty of drinks, so anyone who is willing to give up their meal will receive free drinks for the rest of the cruise.”

A few hours later, the captain makes another announcement…

“I apologize, but it appears that we have run out of alcohol. However, if anyone is hungry, we do still have 1,000 meals available.”

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The magician and the parrot

A magician worked on a cruise ship, performing the same tricks each week for new passengers.

The captain’s pet parrot came to all the shows and figured out how the tricks worked. He began to shout out during the shows. “It’s up his sleeve”, and suchlike, spoiling the illusions.

The magician was annoyed but couldn’t do anything as the parrot belonged to the captain. 

One night, the ship sank. The magician found himself stranded on a desert island, along with the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred for days, neither uttering a word.

Finally, after three days, the parrot couldn’t hold back any longer.

“Okay, I give up”, he said. “What did you do with the ship?”

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Scotch and water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and asks for a Scotch with two drops of water.

She says: “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today!”

“Congratulations!” says the bartender. “This one’s on me.”

As she finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, “I’d like to buy you a drink too”

“Thank you, ” says the lady. “I’ll have another Scotch with two drops of water”.

The man to her left says, “I’d like to buy you a birthday drink too”.

So the old lady orders yet another Scotch with two drops of water.

As the bartender gave her the drink, he asked the lady, “I’m so curious. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?

The old woman replies, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue!”

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A cruise ship passenger is looking out to sea when he sees a small island. On the island, he spots a thin, suntanned man, with wild hair. He can see the man jumping up and down and waving.

The passenger turns around and sees the Captain, so he draws his attention to the man.

“Captain, what’s up with that guy?”

The Captain shrugs his shoulders.

“No idea. He’s always that happy when we sail past.”

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